How to learn not to despair in serious situations. How not to fall into despair. Despair: what to do if a problem arises
Luc de Clapier Vauvenargues
Many of us have experienced a state of complete despair in our lives, in which a person can alternately experience feelings such as rage, anger, horror, fear, panic, uncertainty, uncertainty and hopelessness. At the same time, some people in a state of despair are more prone to violent panic, others to depression and apathy. Despair is an affective state characterized by a negative emotional background. It occurs when a person feels that he is at a dead end and does not know what to do. He cannot solve some important problem, is unable to satisfy his need, is unable to realize his desire. And if a person refuses further struggle, he falls into a desperate state. Quite often, despair leads people to depression, from which they cannot get out for a long time without outside help. In this article we will talk to you about how to cope with despair and regain self-confidence.
To cope with conditions such as despair, or even better, to prevent their occurrence in the first place, a person needs to know about his capabilities. Usually I have observed the following sequence of emotional states in desperate people: panic, anger, rage, then again panic, fear, horror, and finally hopelessness, despondency and apathy. This shows how people first try to fight and then just give up and fade away. Therefore, a person needs to know what feelings he experiences most often when he finds himself in a dead end situation and how they affect him. Anyone can get angry, anyone can panic - this is a normal reaction, it is difficult to avoid. The only question is how to learn to control this reaction so as not to allow it to plunge you into an even less controllable emotional state. For example, in situations where a person is overcome by anger, he needs to return himself to a calm state, catching himself thinking that anger controls him and he needs to free himself from it. That is, you need to stop identifying yourself with anger. And when a person experiences fear, he needs to start analyzing it. Fear needs to be studied - the more you learn about it, the faster it will begin to lose its power. When a person comes to a state of hopelessness, he should think about the opportunities that he has acquired due to the circumstances. In other words, we can experience certain events in which people usually fall into despair in a different way - not in the way our thoughts and feelings force us to do. It is important not to allow the initial reaction and primary emotions to trigger a chain of new emotions and negative thoughts, which will begin to grow like a snowball, plunging a person into an ever deeper state of despair. After all, the most important thing that a person needs in order not to fall into this painful state is to continue to fight, or, in cases where this is impossible, to accept the new reality, come to terms with it and begin to look for their joys and their happiness in it.
Let's now think about why it is so difficult for people to cope with despair, which forces them to succumb to emotions and, in fact, drive themselves into a dead end. The answer, in my opinion, is that they are simply not trained to behave in certain situations. Hence the difficulty in controlling the emotional states that arise in these situations. We are used to living with hope and expectation for the best and do not like to consider negative options for the development of certain events, which means we do not prepare ourselves morally for them. You can understand people - negative scenarios are scary and take a lot of energy to think about. However, hiding from a possible problem means disarming yourself in front of it. This is not worth doing. You need to be able to look fear in the eye. You need to be able to face difficulties. Therefore, a person needs to accustom himself to see the bad, what a person is usually afraid of and avoids even in his thoughts. This is not such a difficult job, you can do it yourself, or you can do it with the help of a specialist who will gradually lead you to accept those thoughts that you usually avoid, immerse you in certain states and tell you how, while being in one or another condition, one should behave. In other words, friends, you need to be prepared for something that can plunge you into despair in order to control yourself in this state and not fall into it at all. Psychological preparedness for everything that can happen in life is of great importance for self-control. And people usually avoid everything that scares them, even in their thoughts, which is why they cannot cope with themselves when something goes wrong in their life.
Try to work with your psyche, train it. If you are not in a state of despair, but accept the possibility that you may encounter it, then think about what could have a strong negative impact on your life that you are absolutely not ready for right now? Be sure to consider the option of a situation that, no matter how hard you try, cannot be corrected and try to mentally come to terms with it. Relive in your imagination possible losses, blows of fate, difficulties, serious problems, and so on. Immerse yourself in absolute negativity. If you find it difficult to imagine situations in which you would feel very bad, then try to remember something bad that you have already experienced in the past or read about the difficult situations in which other people found themselves and put yourself in their place. The better you imagine such situations, the more realistic they will seem to you. Our brain does not distinguish reality from imagination, so you can properly train your psyche, preparing it for imaginary difficulties and blows of fate, so that later in reality, when faced with them, you do not fall into despair.
Also, friends, it is very important not to depend on anyone in this life, so that it does not happen that someone does not live up to your expectations. Unfortunately, this is the problem of many people - who fall into despair mainly because of other people. For example, someone’s betrayal can become a real disaster for a person, and not knowing what to do, what to do, how to continue to live, he will fall into despair. The problem here is not so much the betrayal itself, but the shock that the betrayed person experiences. After all, when we get too close to people, when we begin to depend on them, primarily spiritually and psychologically, we begin to feel like we are part of these people. We merge with them and cannot even imagine life without them. And when they betray us, something dies in us, something that connected us with these people, with a specific person. Our whole fairy-tale world collapses, and we find ourselves at the very bottom of a damp, dark and dirty well, where we fall into despair, break down and give up on our lives. But it doesn't have to be that way. Dependency must be avoided. I advise you to consider all the people around you as potential traitors and think through the course of your actions in case these people betray you. Think about how you will live without them, how you will take care of yourself. I know that this is not easy and I understand how hard it is to even think about it, but it needs to be done. We must be able to do without other people. People can not only betray us, they can also die, leaving us not of their own free will. And we must be prepared for this. Everyone should be prepared to be alone.
When people turn to me with a request to help them become more psychologically resistant to various kinds of shocks, this is exactly what we do with them - we strengthen their psyche by modeling various negative situations in which these people may find themselves and think through their plan of action in these situations. In particular, I teach them to live without those people they cannot imagine life without. This way you can protect yourself from all those negative feelings that arise during times of despair. You just need to experience them in advance, learning to live in different realities.
Another very important point that desperate people need to consider is their own imagination. It can play out in such a way that a generally harmless situation seems like a disaster and plunges a person into despair. Imagination very often fails people. They can imagine such things for themselves that even the most harsh reality will seem like paradise compared to their terrible fantasies. People very quickly succumb to a negative attitude and begin to beat themselves up. To prevent this from happening, you need to distract your imagination with other thoughts, you need to occupy it with something else that is not related to the problem that the person is facing. Do you know what is often useful to do with your imagination when it is trying to make mountains out of molehills? - Other people's problems. This is very useful because it allows you to look at your situation through different eyes. This is a kind of comparison of one’s problems with other people’s, more difficult ones, which cause people much more suffering. You feel bad, but other people may feel even worse. It’s hard for you, and it’s even harder for others. You have problems, but people may have tens of times more of them, and they somehow live with them and even solve them. Think about it - take a broader look at life. The point here is not that other people's problems, other people's difficulties, other people's pain and suffering can bring you joy, although this warms the soul for some, what is important is the contrast between your life and the lives of other people - those people who have it even more difficult than you . Your problems, your losses, your difficulties, your pain should fade against the background of even greater problems, difficulties, losses and pain. This is the meaning of switching attention to other people's problems and other people's difficulties. Let your imagination, succumbing to negative emotions, paint the lives of other people in dark colors so that you can more easily perceive your own situation.
Well, the last thing that personally helps me cope well with states close to despair is the understanding that everything that happens in our lives, one way or another, leads us to the better. For some it is faith in the best, but for me it is an understanding of the laws of life. I know that this position is difficult for many people to accept. Some things that happen to us in this life do not indicate in any way that because of them our life will change for the better. But believe me, everything has its own meaning, there is its own purpose. Life directs people in a certain direction, so you need to be attentive to all its signs, signals, lessons. There is often a lot of good hidden in bad things, but this good is not always visible. But some people notice, so they never lose heart, don’t give up, don’t despair. It is no coincidence that different people behave differently in the same situations. What one person sees as problems, another sees as opportunities. Where one person suffers, another enjoys life. Those situations in which one person gives up, the other continues to fight and wins. Life is wise - it will never give a person a nut that he cannot handle. Therefore, everything that happens to you is the tests that life has prepared specifically for you and which you are able to overcome. There is no need to be afraid of what does not fit into your life scenario; you should not despair because of it. Let life take its course, do not resist its will. Better look hard for the meaning in the scenario she offers you. And you will definitely find it. And having found this meaning, you will be happy with everything that happens to you.
Many people often fall into despair due to a lack of understanding of the situation in which they find themselves, and which caused them this negative experience. They don't understand that life doesn't always have to work out according to their scenario and it can't be completely controlled because we don't know a lot about it. Therefore, you need to be able to put up with some things without being able to change them. Struggle is a struggle, but sometimes humility is necessary. Let life flow as it should. Don’t try to change everything you don’t like, don’t want everything you don’t have - save your nerves. After all, none of us knows how everything should really be arranged in this world and in ours. own life. Our thoughts always run ahead of reality - we want to see the next moment as we imagine it should be and are not prepared for surprises. And for some reason we believe that our expectations are often better than that one a reality that we don't want to accept. Probably the whole point is that we are not accustomed to living in a world of uncertainty and thinking more situationally, without fear of surprises. Therefore, when our plans are disrupted, when life does not turn out according to our scenario, we can fall into despair instead of simply accepting reality.
And we humans are also prone to total negative generalization, which also strengthens and develops a state of despair. Many desperate people with whom I have worked have often devalued their entire life, considering it to be a failure because of the problems, those failures, those difficulties, those losses, the pain that they faced in the present. But as it turned out later, in reality their life was different, much more interesting, bright, colorful and often quite happy. It’s just that people in a state of despair begin to look at everything, including their past and even their future, through a negative prism. Their whole life becomes gloomy and meaningless. But in this prism there are always small bright spots through which you can get out, from the captivity of your own thoughts and experiences, in order to enjoy your life and regain your spiritual comfort.
So, friends, no matter what happens in your life, because of which you may fall into despair, look for positive moments in it. They are always there, believe me. And if you don’t see them, then invent them - find a positive explanation for everything that happens to you. I'm not asking you to be a blind optimist, I'm just suggesting that you take a broader view of life so that you maintain composure in all situations. And try not to fall into the trap of generalization. Separate the wheat from the chaff by analyzing your entire life. Then you will see that you have something to be proud of and to be happy about.
It could be anything. Your past successful work experience. Received education. A support group made up of family and friends. Try to remember all your achievements, everything that you can be proud of, from winning a school football match to winning a major tender at your last job.
If all of the above doesn’t help, then get your kindergarten photo out of the depths of your family albums. Look into the eyes of this child and remember how many promises were given to him then: to become a pilot, a big boss, and finally a happy person. You certainly can’t deceive him, right?
2. Dot all the i's
Sometimes we can't find a job simply because we don't know what we're looking for. We mutter something like: “I want a salary of at least N thousand rubles” or “I want to work in the specialty I received at the university.” When fate so obligingly presents us with what we, in fact, asked it for, we have a heap of discontent and doubts: “No, the salary, of course, is decent, and I studied this for five years, but I’m not sure that I can take on such responsibility / come to the office every weekday, which is located on the other side of the city / work overtime” and so on.
In order not to fall into this trap, code-named “What you asked for, you got,” you should not have vague ideas about your future work. Take a piece of paper and describe in detail everything you expect from your life's work, starting from job responsibilities and the size of the salary, ending with the presence of a dress code and a coffee machine in the office.
Perhaps after making a list like this, you will realize that you want too much. At least for this moment. And this is not a tragedy, and this does not mean at all that you should bury your dreams without even giving them a chance to come true.
In such a case, it is very important to remember your ideal. And know what you are ready for until it is offered.
3. Remember that your life is not just about finding a job.
When the last 500 rubles remain in your pocket, when all your friends are in in social networks They consider it their moral duty to constantly ask you: “Well, did you find a job?” When you log in every hour, it’s very easy to have a nervous breakdown.
Yes, finding a job is your top priority at the moment. But don’t forget that your life is passing. And in the cases described above, it passes in agony. Yes, you are looking for a job, but this does not mean that you should give up training, hobbies, friends - everything that brings you joy. And it’s unlikely that your future employer will want to see on his team a nervous, exhausted, gloomy person, which you will very soon turn into if you live with only one thought - to find a job.
Don't console yourself with the idea that you will live life to the fullest once you find a job. If you don’t know how to be happy every minute of your life, even if these minutes fall on , you don’t know how to be happy in principle. And as soon as you get the long-awaited job, you will immediately find many other reasons for suffering.
4. Look for workarounds
Lack of money is the main reason why we agree to a job that will bring income, but not joy. If you feel that all is not lost and you have the strength to fight, don’t give up, don’t settle for less. Provide yourself with financial support: try yourself in a role or find a temporary job with a flexible schedule. This way, you can calmly search for what you like, without worrying that when you are invited to the next interview, you simply won’t have the money for travel.
There is another workaround - to return to your previous place of work, if your position is still vacant, of course. A method that for many people seems like a disaster. The very thought of returning to something from which you once grew is simply the wildest nightmare. Take a step back. Give up. Lose. Admit your own powerlessness.
But don't forget:
There is nothing more monstrous than what we can inspire ourselves.
John Steinbeck
Most of your colleagues will not even remember in a week that you were absent for some time. The earth turns, life goes on, everyone has their own problems, and if you don’t call yourself a loser, then no one will either.
Whatever strategy you choose, the main thing is to know your worth. Paralyzing fear, and not our inability, is what in most cases is the real cause of our failures. Be brave enough to work not only because “it’s the right way” and “I’m getting paid for this,” but because you really enjoy what you do.
What once helped you or is helping you not to despair when looking for a job?
These twelve points were written by Anne Lamott, an American writer, political activist and public figure. Her books, full of self-deprecating humor, are largely autobiographical and explore topics such as alcoholism, life as a single mother, depression and Christianity.
Anne Lamott
I live with my seven-year-old grandson, he sleeps not far from me. Sometimes, just waking up, he exclaims: “You know what? This could be the best day of my life!” But it also happens that in the middle of the night he asks in a trembling voice: “Granny, is it true that you will someday get sick and die?”
In my opinion, this perfectly demonstrates that his inner world is a hodgepodge of joyful anticipation and chilling fears. Just like you and me. So a few days before my 61st birthday, I decided to make the most full list things that cause me neither one nor the other. There is very little that is reliable in the flow of information these days, so it is nice to have at least a few immutable truths in stock.
One of them is that I am no longer 47, although this is exactly the age I feel myself to be and this is the number of years I am used to mentally ascribing to myself. My friend Paul, in his late seventies, often said that he felt like a young man with whom there was simply something wrong. Our true identity is not subject to time and space, but by looking at the documents, I can always be sure that I was born in 1954. Although my inner self does not age and not a single age from which I supposedly emerged has left me. They are all with me.
Right now I'm 20, 30, and 50 - as old as I've ever been. As do you. I will note, however, that I should have been less conscientious about following the skin care rules generally accepted in the 1960s. As you remember, back then people sunbathed frantically, dousing themselves from head to toe in baby oil and placing more foil reflectors around them.
However, when I honestly admitted to myself that the agony of middle age was behind me, a gigantic stone fell from my soul. I decided to immediately write down everything that I considered to be truly true. I often meet depressed and sad people, they never stop asking me questions: what is true and what is false? I dare to hope that my list will be useful for those who are close to despair, and will help them sketch out at least some kind of action plan.
paint by Marten Jansen
1. Any truth is paradoxical
The first and most reliable truth: any truth is paradoxical. Life is a precious, immeasurably beautiful gift and at the same time an unbearable punishment. The worst combination for those with a sensitive soul. There are so many hardships and strange things in this world that sometimes you wonder: is it all a joke? Heartbreaking beauty and kindness, terrible poverty, floods and babies, acne and the music of Mozart are intertwined here. The system is not the most ideal.
2. Reboot rule
Almost any thing will work properly again if you turn it off for a few minutes. And this applies to you too.
3. Search within
Almost everything that can make you happy for a long time can only be found within yourself. Exception: you are on the waiting list for a donor organ. You can't buy or earn peace, you can't invite healthy self-esteem on a date. This is the most disgusting truth, it personally outrages me. But everything important really comes from inner work, and we cannot do it for others, no matter how much we love them.
Someone else's peace of mind is beyond our control. Everyone must find their own path, their own answers to important questions. When your adult child begins his hero's journey, you can't run around with sunscreen and chapstick in hand. You should let him go, at least out of respect. And if it’s about someone else, then most likely you have no idea how to help. Our help is usually useless and often even harmful. Behind the desire to help lies the desire to control. So stop already, stop helping. Let at least someone hide from your virtue.
4. Radical self-acceptance
Each of us is a screwed up, broken, self-satisfied and scared character. Even the one who seems to be fine. You won't believe how similar other people's problems are to yours. So try not to compare your inner feelings with what others show you. This definitely won't do any good.
And one more thing: you cannot save anyone, correct them or force them to quit. What made me quit drinking and drugs 30 years ago? My behavior deteriorated catastrophically, my thoughts became confused and ran away. Then I turned for help and began to rely on higher powers. There is a version that the word “God” stands for “Grace of Desperate Grief” (editor’s note: in the original G-O-D, Gift of Desperation - literally “despair given from above”). But you can put it in a less pompous way: in the end, I degenerated faster than I could lower the demands on myself. So you can say I came to God when there were no more good ideas there are none left.
Trying to fix, protect or save someone is a waste of time. But radical self-acceptance is a quantum that you will begin to emit into the atmosphere, like a breath of fresh air. Believe me, this is the most valuable gift for the universe. And if someone accuses you of arrogance or selfishness, just smile mysteriously, like the Mona Lisa, and prepare a cup of aromatic tea for both of you. To respond with love to the most stupid, short-sighted, capricious and unpleasant manifestations of human nature means to be one family with them. This is the first step towards world peace.
5. Chocolate should be delicious
Chocolate with 75% cocoa content is not suitable for food. The best way to use it - place a piece in a snake trap. Or place it under the leg of a rickety stool.
6. Bird by bird
Every writer you know has terrible first drafts. The secret is that their asses are nevertheless firmly glued to the work chair. This may be the only difference between them and you. They set aside time for this. They make a promise to themselves and keep their word. For them it is a matter of honor. They sit down and let the stories pass through them - step by step, day by day.
When my older brother was in fourth grade, he had a test on bird species that he hadn't even begun to study for. Then his father sat down next to him, grabbing Audubon’s book (John James Audubon - American naturalist, ornithologist and animal artist, author of Birds of America), paper and pencil, and then said: “Take your time, buddy, give me the bird.” for the bird. Just read about the pelican and then tell it in your own words. Then read about the tit and tell me what you learned about it. And then about the geese.”
These are the two most important principles writing: bird by bird and truly terrible drafts. And if you don’t know where to start, remember: every story that ever happened to you belongs only to you, and only you can tell it.
By the way, if people want you to go easy on them in your book, tell them that they should have behaved better. Believe me, it will be terrible if one day you wake up and realize that you have never written down anything that has been kept in the box of your heart all your life - your stories, memories, ideas and songs, your truth, your views on life. At the end of the day, that's all you have to offer others. And this is the reason why you were born.
7. Disruptive success
Book publishing and other creative successes will traumatize you. After them you need to recover. Success has destroyed as many authors as its absence. You cannot even imagine what suffering he will cause you, how he will try to destroy and change you. Personally, I have not met people more vicious and worse than male authors who have released a notable bestseller. And at the same time (back to the first point) publication is simply wonderful: your thoughts are printed on printing paper, your stories are read and told to friends.
Just try, please, to get rid of the illusion that publishing a book will in some sense heal you, patch up the gaps in your soul. Holding a freshly printed work in your hands will not cure your troubles. But you might get there one day if you keep writing. Sing in a choir or play country music. You will work in your free time as a volunteer painter. Watch the birds. Caring for old dogs that have no one else to take care of.
8. Hard work
Family is hard, hard, hard work, even if you have wonderful people as relatives. Again, see point one. If at a family gathering you feel ready to kill yourself or your neighbor, try to remember that the conception and birth of any of us is a true miracle.
Life is a school of forgiveness. You can start learning by first forgiving yourself, and then gradually it will come to the dinner table with your family. There's this important internal work can be done without getting out of your pants. When William Blake wrote that we are all “sent here to have the eye accustomed to the rays of love,” he could not help but know that the intimate part of this experience will be directly connected with your family. Even if the mere sight of your relatives makes you want to rush headlong out of the room, crying out for help, don’t give up, you will succeed. Work like Cinderella and the results will amaze you.
9. Proper nutrition
Food. Try a little better. I think you know what I mean.
10. Lifebuoy
Compassion is the metaphysical equivalent of the penetrating oil that can fill all the cracks, our spiritual lifeline. Its main paradox is that God loves Henry Kissinger, Vladimir Putin and me as much as your newborn grandson. Understand it as you wish. An act of mercy can change us from the inside, heal us, redeem us from the hardships of life. How to describe the principle of its operation in a nutshell? Call for help and buckle up tight. Compassion will catch you on the spot, but with its help you will travel from one point in your life to another. Unfortunately, it won't come in the form of a friendly ghost named Casper, but the phone will ring or a letter will arrive... and suddenly, in spite of everything, a life-giving sense of self-irony will return to you.
Laughter is the carbonated form of holiness: breath by breath it brings us back to life, helping us to believe in the best again. And remember - compassion always has the last word. If it doesn't come, it means it's not the end yet.
11. God is like a cosmic muffin
God is good. He's not that scary. It is simply a loving mind that can breathe life into us. Or, as the author of the wonderful “Deteriorata” put it, a “cosmic muffin” altogether. In my opinion, the most appropriate definition of God for everyday life is “not me.”
Emerson wrote that the happiest man in the world - the one who learns from nature the art of public service. Walk more often, look around. I once heard from my pastor that you can catch a bee in glass jar without even closing the lid. The bees simply do not look up, but continue to crawl back and forth and sadly beat on the glass. So go outside. Look up. That's the whole secret for you.
12. The way home
And finally, death. Number twelve. Both delight and horror. When people you can't live without die, it's unbearable. You will never recover from these losses, and despite our cultural attitudes, you shouldn't. We Christians look at death as a global change of address. But no matter what religion you belong to, your loved ones will live in your hearts, unless you yourself oppose it. As Leonard Cohen said: “There are cracks in everything. This is how light gets in.” This is how light penetrates us. And so we can feel that our loved ones are regaining life.
Other people have enormous power over us. Sometimes they make us burst out laughing at the most inopportune moments. And that's great. But their loss can still become a lifelong nightmare in which you endlessly miss home and can’t get there. Living through grief, friends, time and tears will heal your wound to one degree or another. Tears will be the moisture that will wash you, bless you and nourish the soil under your feet.
Do you know what the Lord's first words to Moses were? He said, “Take off your sandals from off your feet.” Because this is holy land, although everything indicates otherwise. It’s hard to believe, but this is the truest truth I know: our planet is the Promised Land. When you get a little older (like yours truly), you will realize that death is as sacred a gift as birth. However, you shouldn't worry too much about her. Mind your own business. Almost every death is a quiet, calm event in the circle of relatives. You don't have to do it alone. Close people will help you gently move to where everyone will one day be. As Ram Dass wrote: “When all that needs to be done is said and done, we simply walk each other home.”
You can also watch a video of this lecture in English:
Good afternoon I would like to immediately apologize for my question - I will not be original, because “my” topic is not new: I am almost 36 years old, I am single, I have no husband and children and never have had one. I am an attractive girl, there are no problems in communication, I am a cheerful, friendly and sociable person, I have many acquaintances, I do not suffer from an inferiority complex, or delusions of “grandeur” - I do not specifically look for shortcomings in men in order to refuse them. But also loved one No. I'm very worried about this. I have read a lot of literature on this topic, psychologists advise to stop getting hung up, spend more time in crowded places, find interesting job. Yes, yes, there are interesting classes, I read a lot, study foreign language, went to the dance. But the topic of marriage is a sore subject for me, I really want a family, not just formally for the sake of image, but a strong family based on love and mutual understanding, children. Doctors are already frightening me that in a few years I will no longer be able to give birth; old age is of no use to anyone. I noticed that I was giving up, I began to think about death as a way of getting rid of this worthless life. On the advice of psychologists, I help others who are worse off than me - kind words, business, if possible, money. I go to church, confess and receive communion, although not regularly. I’m embarrassed to talk about this topic with the priest of our parish. I sat on dating sites and found either Muslim migrant workers, or married people, or boys who were sexually preoccupied. They sit mostly out of boredom.
Tell me - how can I find out God’s will about myself? Maybe I’m not destined to be a wife and mother at all. Then how to calm down, how to stop hoping, live with the idea that you have such a fate, and come to terms with it.
I recently found out that one friend got married, another found a man, there’s just a stagnant swamp around me, I don’t have any changes. And then I realized that I was very jealous, I had never suffered such a sin, and painful envy was added to despondency and despair. I don't want to live. Without a family, you are an incomplete person, then why smoke the sky here? Unexpectedly, on the Internet I came across a book by Orthodox author Vladimir Cherepanov, “Secrets of Family Happiness.” I read it for a long time - it literally brought me back to life. If you can’t start a family, look for the wormhole in yourself and get rid of it. I'm quick-tempered, rude - yes. Touchy - yes. Sometimes I drink - yes. Etc. Envious? Already Yes. We urgently need to correct ourselves, the author writes, because bad people The Lord does not give family. The author writes - go in for sports, lose weight if you are fat, etc. I took this into account and am struggling with myself. Only one thing is not clear to me - before my eyes there are examples of the opposite - a colleague, a girl who is very plump, masculine, rude, constantly quarrels, including with us, is hot-tempered... but she lives with a man. It turns out that God sent her family happiness. But, in my opinion, Cherepanov is still right - it is necessary to get rid of bad habits, including excess weight, it will always be useful in life.
Please advise how not to despair, I really want to create a good family and work for it. I'm just dying spiritually. I read prayers every day. But every day I think about my biological age and am horrified. “Women’s” time is already ticking by the clock - soon you can be left without children, especially since your health is not so great.
Friends advise me to give birth for myself - as I understand it, this is a sin. On the other hand, there is inexorable biological time. In a couple of years, nothing will be possible. Many priests advise taking a child from an orphanage - unfortunately, the income does not allow it, I cannot support both myself and the child on my own.
Help me please! I understand that no one will help you except yourself. But these are not words, believe me, I am working on myself, trying to fight the sin of despondency and despair, changing. But there is still an icy melancholy of despair in my soul. I don’t want to take on self-pity and the role of victim, but I still can’t change it. And no hobbies, etc. I can’t compensate for this loneliness. The most important thing is that I’m not bored with myself, but I’m already tired of being alone, I want to earn a family from the Lord. It's real? Or is it not given to everyone? All my friends and those around me are surprised - why nothing is working out for me, if only I had a man, and I would ruin all the relationships myself - but nothing is clear...
Anything can happen in life. And sometimes fate throws us one trouble after another. Illnesses, arguments with loved ones, losses, problems at work. It happens that bad events happen in a continuous line, and then a person experiences despair, powerlessness, and disappointment. It begins to seem that life has no meaning, strength is running out.
I am writing this article for those who are in despair, as well as for those who want to help their friends and loved ones if they are in a difficult situation. And I write it in the form of short and, one might say, banal recommendations. These recommendations will help you structure what people think about in the face of problems and troubles. If you, being in a difficult situation, actually follow at least one of these recommendations, then your situation will certainly improve.
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When people contact me, their despair is sometimes expressed in the following words: “I blame myself for not being able to do anything. I’m away from my family now, I don’t know how to distract myself.” I don’t know what to do. I closed myself off and don’t I want to meet anyone. I don’t believe that my life can change at all. I don’t believe that I can... I just want to die so that I don’t hear or see anyone.. I don’t see anyone. thoughts in life... "
As paradoxical as it may seem, I rejoice when I hear such words. This always means that a person wants to move on, that he has looked beyond the shell and found the courage to face his fate. Psychotherapy with those who can no longer tolerate the current circumstances is especially successful.
A person who doesn’t even know yet what exactly he wants, but knows that he is going to change something in his life, always finds the strength to move forward. After a period of despair and other difficult experiences, strength gradually returns, however, it is important to overcome this state, and not to wallow in powerlessness and self-pity.
So what should you do if you are desperate, depressed, or feel like you are on the verge of a breakdown?
1) First of all, it’s banal, but true. This is what works. Acknowledge the situation. Surely, you remember the parable of the three blind wise men, and how they felt the elephant. One thought that the elephant was like a snake, another - like a wall, the third - like a rope, having felt the elephant's tail. When assessing the situation, do not concentrate your attention exclusively on one aspect - only the bad (or only the good). Try to take in everything entirely, with the impartial gaze of an outside observer. And be honest. Don’t reassure yourself that everything is not so bad with Bas. Don’t assume that if you make a cheap compromise with yourself, reassuring yourself with the phrase “it’s been worse,” then something will improve. Quite the contrary. Only by recognizing that the situation is bad can you start looking for resources to improve the situation.
2) Secondly - whine! Allow yourself to be weak. Allow yourself to become sour. The more you try to “control yourself,” the faster your strength will run out. If you qualitatively “release the nurses”, then part of the tension will go away, and part of the strength previously spent on holding back will be restored.
3) Thirdly. Think about it, in the current situation - what or who can serve as your support. Who can you rely on, with whom can you share your problems? Ask for help, look for it! It is possible that there are people in your environment who have encountered exactly the same problem as yours and know a quick and effective solution. If you remain silent and do not look for support in the outside world, then you may not take advantage of a good chance to quickly deal with troubles. Life is unpredictable, and it is impossible to guess from which direction help may come.
4) Part four. Please direct part of the energy to improve your moral state. This can be done through physical activity (for example, walk 7-8 km, ride a bike, run around the stadium). The principle is simple: the more the body is loaded with something pleasant for it, the more consciousness is “unloaded”. If you think about problems constantly, then there is a risk of getting stuck in such thoughts and bringing yourself to the limit.
In that case, if physical activity is impossible (contraindicated or simply lacking strength and willpower), then try to find something that will allow you to recover. There is a game that is a game that is in a boss in a dpydk in the way.
You can try visiting public places - going to the pool (greatly relieves bodily tension, which inevitably arises as a result of the influence of stress factors ov), pay attention to yourself and your appearance.
If you feel that you are unable to cope with yourself, nothing helps you - seek qualified help (psychological or psychotherapeutic)! Mental balance will be restored faster and easier the sooner you start taking care of yourself.
5) And recommendation number five: think about a rational action plan. Think about what kind of people you have. What can you do immediately to improve the situation, and what can you do later. If it’s impossible to do certain things right now, then stop thinking about it and tormenting yourself once again. Write down your action plan on paper, in a notebook, and choose a specific date when you can implement what you have planned.
As they say, “The best thing about depression is that it ends sooner or later.” The same applies to the “black streak” in life. Sooner or later it goes away. When coping with difficulties along the way, we certainly learn something new. We perceive life differently, we begin to have a philosophical attitude towards what would previously have caused painful experiences. It is never possible to understand in advance “why” or “why” something like this happens to us.
However, life is a wise thing, and perhaps in the future we will need the ability to concentrate, the ability to be in an observer position, mental balance, which of course This is ultimately what a person necessarily acquires when going through life’s troubles.