What to do if you are completely desperate in life. Failures in life. Seven rules for not giving up. What do all these situations have in common?
Despair is an emotion of varying duration and strength, reflecting the asthenic spectrum of feelings. Despair is a state of awareness of one's own helplessness in satisfying a need. From a strong shift in the psycho-emotional state during despair in the negative direction (up to clinical cases), it is natural to note its occurrence as a result of a strong shock or other influence that changed the usual life (the death of loved ones, the collapse of extremely valuable ideas, etc.).
Such partially controlled or completely uncontrollable negative events confront a person with powerlessness and make him feel unable to change both the situation that has arisen and any turn in life. Minor ones can spur development and development, but the destruction of significant connections or events pushes into a feeling of futility of the future, hopelessness, and a person plunges into an existential crisis caused by the meaninglessness of existence.
Despair leads a person astray from past guidelines, and if early stage a person is able to critically perceive the situation, his condition, notice the leaving energy and, looking for how to get rid of despair, then after a while the strength and multidimensionality of this experience deprives the person of strength.
What is despair
Despair is a state of lack of hope and the ability to see prospects, a difficult emotional state accompanied by a loss of physical strength. If you look at the origin of the word itself, it reflects a long wait, accompanied by anxiety, with great hopes. In ancient times, such an expectation existed during a hunt, when a person was in constant tension of strength and attention, sitting in ambush, and the animal still did not appear - the life of the tribe could depend on the outcome of this event, so it was not possible to leave, and the longer the person spent in ambush, the more energy he spent, and the less resource he had left to leave the waiting place.
Despair is a derivative of the word aspiration, which is synonymous with hope, and this aspect has been preserved in this word, but has acquired its own distinctive aspects for modern world, where you don’t have to sit in ambush. However, the word reflects human hopes for a positive outcome of any situation (this may not threaten the death of the entire family, but is subconsciously perceived with approximately the same level of anxiety, triggering the same biochemical mechanisms as in distant ancestors).
Equating despair with hope is only possible for a very rough comparison, since this concept contains a huge number of aspects, some of which (namely hope for well-being) a person is able to recognize and regulate, and some are located deep in the subconscious sphere, where archaic mental processes that have become entrenched are controlled like survival.
Despair includes (conscious or not), and the feeling of horror can be dictated by real events and possibilities, or can be located exclusively in the sphere of unconscious reactions of the psyche. Thus, in despair at the death of her husband, she can play the main violin without being consciously realized by the woman, since she has lived a dependent life and does not know what to do with the surrounding reality, when in fact her husband was both protection and breadwinner for her (the skill of self-sufficiency has not been developed, which means , the world is threatening).
Despair can contain, most often arising from the inability to take care of others (so men can fall into despair due to the inability to provide their family with an adequate standard of living, because at an archaic level this is perceived as exposing them to a mortal threat and failure to fulfill their own role as a leader).
Thus, the moment of the beginning of despair is the collapse of hopes, but then quite ancient mechanisms are activated, plunging a person into experiences that have no direct connection with the situation, but aggravate its experience to the extreme, otherwise it would be simple disappointment.
It can be almost impossible to get rid of despair on your own, since secret but large-scale processes are hidden not only from others, but also from the experiencer. That's why. If you yourself feel a feeling of hopelessness and meaninglessness, accompanied by any oppressive feelings, then seek help and do not listen to the relieving advice of your superficial acquaintances. It will not go away on its own; if you have already encountered the loss of something important (and this is the main theme of despair), then you will have to live through this experience, reconsider own life and make appropriate adjustments to it so that it is filled with meaning and a sense of what is happening alive. Believing that a person experienced a similar event and felt fine after a couple of days can be dangerous because your value systems are different. And while you are waiting for pain and timelessness to let you go, despair day after day will suck out your strength and convince you of the immutability of the world and your asthenic sense of self in it.
If everything is fine with you, but you notice a strange, prolonged melancholy, excessive suffering, then your task is to refer the person to a psychotherapist, and if they refuse, try to help yourself. Remember that feelings of grief and sadness are natural, but excess in duration or strength indicates despair, which is an overload for the psyche and nervous system. Such excessive mental stress without appropriate adjustment can lead to the development of psychoneurological and somatic diseases, as well as push a person to, as the only available way out of the state of terrible pain and nonsense. Remember that the ability to notice other ways out of a situation in a person in despair differs from the normal state, since vital important areas, personality-defining constructs may be frustrated.
The causes of despair are two ways in a person’s life: excessive focus and attaching special importance to one value or goal (then, if it is lost, the whole world ceases to be important) and in the absence of a sense of the meaning of being as such, the connection of one’s own existence with higher matters and harmonious connection of various spheres of one’s life (such confusion can, with its emotional instability, lead a person to despair). Therefore, maintaining interest and significance in various areas of your life, as well as deep existential meaning in your existence, regardless of what is happening, is the prevention of a state of despair.
How to deal with despair
No one can completely prevent despair in their own life, but it is possible to edit the factors that influence the likelihood of falling into despair from any situation. First of all, the example of the parental family, which a person saw and unconsciously absorbed behavior patterns, contributes to such a state. Thus, if at the slightest failure you saw how the parent fell into despair, and did not look for ways to resolve the current situation or restructure their own life, then the chances of repeating this scenario in your performance increase. Not because of a reluctance to look for other options, but because of the lack of an example of how to look around. Perhaps a parent of the same sex was prone to momentary loss of hope and was preparing for the end of the world, while the other decided a lot for him and showed him the way out. Then, when identifying with the first, falling into a familiar stereotype will also be beneficial, because you can not independently accept responsibility, but wait for salvation. In this situation, there is a hidden resource - this is the behavior of the other parent and his coping strategies, which, like a slight fall into despair, are part of your inner experience, which needs to be awakened and updated. By the way, this is also true for those in whom such behavior in the family was the norm for the majority - find an example elsewhere, among friends and heroes.
The next feature of the psyche that can make you despondent is the tendency to constantly replay events, a kind of stuckness not so much for the sake of gaining experience, but for the sake of repeated living. This may concern positive aspects, and then a person’s strength and confidence increase, but this same feature, when dwelling on negative aspects, can plunge one into the abyss of hopelessness and develop. Usually, another vivid impression distracts you from repeating the situation, but relying entirely on the will of external factors is not rational, because after being in despair for quite a long time, a person loses the ability to notice external changes in the situation, concentrating on internal suffering, or these changes become insignificant. Finding your own effective technique for switching attention and shifting the emphasis of thoughts will help reduce the severity of the experience of negative emotions, as well as look at the world with a sober look when repeating positive ones.
In a situation of a negative event, an important point is to feel your internal supports in order to maintain your condition at the proper level. With uncertainty and the habit of studying, a person only digs deeper into the hole of depressive disorder and a feeling of impasse. Thus, not only does the world become imperfect and terrible due to the destruction of an important part or aspiration, but also the lack of self-confidence quickly kills the remaining drops of hope for improvement. So it’s worth starting to normalize and fill your internal resources in advance, and not when a crisis has torn your life apart; it’s better to start when the life situation is still stable - for prevention and development of resilience.
Strengthening meaningful connections helps, i.e. communication with those people who are able to truly understand and accept you, where there is no need to keep face. Talking openly about your condition and problems with a sense of security is a fairly therapeutic practice, as a result of which it decreases, it becomes possible to gain feedback on one’s own emotions or events, from which even if not born new way existence, then a support resource will appear that reduces despair. If there are no such people around, then you can go to a psychologist for individual or group therapy. There is also no opportunity for therapy - write a diary, describing all your thoughts, feelings and events - periodically re-read what you have written, this will allow you to trace the dynamics, lead to a new vision, in extreme cases, it will simply help to throw out emotions.
But in your classes you should look for something new and exciting; avoid looking at a blank wall and replaying what happened. Remember what fascinated you in childhood and try to realize your inclinations now - it is in childhood desires and memories that contain a lot of energy and potential, in addition, they are devoid of external imposition and expectations of others, so there is a chance that you will begin to do what exactly your soul longed for confidently increases.
Take care of your own body, since a depressed state changes the chemical processes in the brain, stops the functioning of the nervous system, and, accordingly, the rest - focus on maintaining healthy image life, reduce the use of psychoactive substances, and increase the dose of B vitamins (they nourish the nervous system), strictly monitor your biorhythms, give your body physical activity, even if you don’t want to move (during sports, hormones of joy and pleasure are produced, which help reduce depressive background).
How not to fall into despair from lack of money
Lack of money quickly plunges a person into a state of despair, even if he is not an avid materialist and understands that happiness cannot be bought. The laws of the modern world are such that it is the presence of money that guarantees survival and quality of life. This is not only the ability to afford a vacation of the appropriate level, but also the ability to actually survive, as well as maintain the health of your body and psyche (medicines are not freely available on the street; doctor’s appointments and diagnostics cost money). In addition to this, adults usually have several other dear people whose provision is important (children and elderly parents who are not able to support themselves). Lack of money is not just unfulfilled hopes for receiving a certain amount, this is a very real death, not only of your own, but also of loved ones, family, and dearest people. Despair is felt especially acutely when, in addition to lack of money, some crisis moment is added, which affects important areas of the soul, but could be resolved with the availability of finances.
There is a lot to be said about how to survive such a paralyzing condition, but you should start acting immediately before it becomes chronic. Most people do not begin to realize their potential and use all these abilities until a critical situation occurs, although this is considered a crime against the universe not only in religious concepts. If you, receiving the minimum wage, spend the whole day, while ideas for chic projects are constantly born in your head, or you are a talented craftsman, but call it a hobby, then it is the critical situation of lack of money that can indicate changes. The point is not that low monetary compensation indicates work outside of one's abilities or interests.
Lack of money is an excellent filter for truth. This applies to your friends, some of whom will disappear along with your money and your hobbies, because you will not give up what brings real inner pleasure, but on the contrary, you will look for ways to get what you are used to (cinema or horse riding). By doing this, you can reformat your own life, leaving in it only what is significant and necessary, both in terms of activities and connections. You have more time that you can manage to get out of the empty pit, but only taking into account the information received. There is no point in fighting lack of money in the old ways, remaining the same - review the importance of the various goals and activities that occupy your time, and change the structure.
The lack of the necessary comfortable amount of money forces you to save and trains your character. It is worth learning to learn how to save so as not to fall into despair or despair - this is a discipline when you record income and expenses, this is a conscious purchase of goods and awareness of your own needs. Life begins to play with different colors if you don’t just walk past a display case with a red bag, pursing your lips and looking away, but allow yourself to go in, touch, try on and plunge into your own sensations. Most purchases satisfy not immediate needs, but the desire to fit into some image, so with the same bag you can understand that you don’t need the bag, but you want the attention of men and it was this need that you were trying to drown out. Getting to know yourself and learning through needs - the asceticism of lack of money can be cooler and more exciting than any psychotherapy and training, if you approach it with awareness.
Develop - not everything you need can be purchased for money. You can win something, trade with someone, you can get what you need in exchange for a service, or you can take it from those who give away unnecessary things. The number of discounts and promotions is incredible - learning to take advantage of opportunities and offer your services is an amazing skill that will be useful in any area of life.
So, if you perceive lack of money not as a tragedy, but as a challenge or a game, you can get a good job and have a lot of fun.
Every person goes through trials throughout his life. Everyone knows what failures are in life. In this regard, people differ only in how they cope with difficulties. Do they give up, despair, fall down, or do they think about how not to give up, overcome problems and move forward with their heads held high!
If you don't want to be a failure, then these seven rules are for you.
Whining and complaining are a road to nowhere
No matter what happens in your life, never complain, neither to others nor to yourself. This will not change the situation, but will make it even sadder. You will simply dissolve in your grief, and the further you go, the more you will drown in this swamp.
No matter how trivial it may sound, . The one who complains the most ends up achieving the least. There is no need to be afraid of failures, because they, like successes, are an integral part of our lives.
Some people, when they fail in life, stop their path, having suffered defeat, and no longer achieve anything because of fears, while others, even if they fall 10 times, get up and definitely get what they want.
Have you read the biographies? famous people? Not everything was always smooth for them; there were ups and downs, obstacles and successes. If they had fallen into a deep depression after the first failure, they would hardly have become the people we see on screens, in magazines, and newspapers. If you don't complain or give up because of failures, you can achieve a lot.
No matter what outcome you come to, ultimately you need to be happy no matter what. Happiness is a constant. If from such elementary things as the beauty of a sunset, dawn, the smell of dew in the morning, the smile on the face of a person who has calmed you down, then you are truly living!
Every little battle is a step forward
It is important to understand that struggle is not an obstacle on the way, it is the path. If your every day is not filled with battle, then you will stand still.
Remember, a person cannot stand in one place for a long time, he either develops and moves forward, or begins to fall down. You choose which of these two paths will be useful and necessary for you. Even if you fail, this is also a useful experience.
Very often, in order to achieve what you want, you need to leave your comfort zone, sacrifice something, because nothing comes easy. To do this, you need to have patience - maintain a good attitude while working hard to achieve your goal.
All obstacles are a test of endurance, and if you want to succeed, then, step by step, stumbling, you will reach your goal.
Pain is part of growth
Sometimes life closes doors on you, but that's only because it's time to move. This is not bad, because often in order to move we need circumstances that force us to start it. A rolling stone gathers no moss. This wise saying should motivate you like nothing else.
Pain can hurt, but pain can also change you, change you for the better. She is never without a goal, she brings a lesson, thanks to which further movement in life will be competent and will bring a lot of joy.
You need to be patient, you want to be satisfied with your life. Without effort, it is almost impossible to cope with failures in life. Don't give up because of failures, always remain patient and confident in your abilities, and everything will work out.
Negativity from other people is not a reason to give up
Many people, for various reasons (envy, their own failures in this field, misunderstanding, different views on life) may speak poorly of you and your endeavors, but never let other people’s conversations and views ruin or change you and your goals.
If you want to succeed, are confident in the rightness of your actions, then, no matter what others say, do not be afraid to fight for what you believe in and what changes your life for the better.
You should not care about the opinions of others, people will always talk no matter what you do, what you achieve, how you live. If I speak badly about you, continue to be yourself, and the attempts of others to change your views, your path. Remember rule one? Never complain to yourself or others.
Don't change to please people or to impress someone who thinks you're not good enough. You can’t please everyone, and you don’t need to please anyone in terms of your chosen lifestyle, interests, appearance and much more. Change if it makes you better, kinder, stronger, the rest is false.
Scars are a symbol of struggle, and therefore success.
Having scars seems to tell you, “I fought, I hurt, I survived. I have become stronger, which means I have the strength to move on!
Don’t be ashamed of the scars in your life, they are just another proof that pain can change you for the better. Without them, you would stand still, and you would not achieve anything in life, you would not become stronger.
Everything is temporary
The night does not last forever, after it the morning comes, and after the rain the sun appears, making it clear that everything is temporary. In this regard, all people are equal; everyone has alternating black and white stripes in their lives.
So while everything is good in your life, sincerely enjoy it, and when hard times come, don’t worry, because this is also temporary, this is the circle of life. If you know how to be happy, always smile, despite worries and storms.
Go forward
What needs to happen to you will happen one way or another. All you have to do is say to yourself: “!”
Don't be afraid to make mistakes, take risks, seek your happiness. Life often presents surprises, and it is up to us how we perceive them and how we use the knowledge that we already have. Don't be afraid of failure.
Appreciate your life, enjoy every moment of it. Throw away doubts, questions, complaints, fear of failure in life. Do your best, and life itself will tell you how not to give up and will lead you to where you should be. this moment.
It could be anything. Your past successful work experience. Received education. A support group made up of family and friends. Try to remember all your achievements, everything that you can be proud of, from winning a school football match to winning a major tender at your last job.
If all of the above doesn’t help, then get your kindergarten photo out of the depths of your family albums. Look into the eyes of this child and remember how many promises were given to him then: to become a pilot, a big boss, and finally a happy person. You certainly can’t deceive him, right?
2. Dot all the i's
Sometimes we can't find a job simply because we don't know what we're looking for. We mutter something like: “I want a salary of at least N thousand rubles” or “I want to work in the specialty I received at the university.” When fate so obligingly presents us with what we, in fact, asked it for, we have a heap of discontent and doubts: “No, the salary, of course, is decent, and I studied this for five years, but I’m not sure that I can take on such responsibility / come to the office every weekday, which is located on the other side of the city / work overtime” and so on.
In order not to fall into this trap, code-named “What you asked for, you got,” you should not have vague ideas about your future work. Take a piece of paper and describe in detail everything you expect from your life's work, starting from job responsibilities and the size of the salary, ending with the presence of a dress code and a coffee machine in the office.
Perhaps after making a list like this, you will realize that you want too much. At least for now. And this is not a tragedy, and this does not mean at all that you should bury your dreams without even giving them a chance to come true.
In such a case, it is very important to remember your ideal. And know what you are ready for until it is offered.
3. Remember that your life is not just about finding a job.
When the last 500 rubles remain in your pocket, when all your friends are in in social networks They consider it their moral duty to constantly ask you: “Well, did you find a job?” When you log in every hour, it’s very easy to have a nervous breakdown.
Yes, finding a job is your top priority at the moment. But don’t forget that your life is passing. And in the cases described above, it passes in agony. Yes, you are looking for a job, but this does not mean that you should give up training, hobbies, friends - everything that brings you joy. And it’s unlikely that your future employer will want to see on his team a nervous, exhausted, gloomy person, which you will very soon turn into if you live with only one thought - to find a job.
Don't console yourself with the idea that you will live life to the fullest once you find a job. If you don’t know how to be happy every minute of your life, even if these minutes fall on , you don’t know how to be happy in principle. And as soon as you get the long-awaited job, you will immediately find many other reasons for suffering.
4. Look for workarounds
Lack of money is the main reason why we agree to a job that will bring income, but not joy. If you feel that all is not lost and you have the strength to fight, don’t give up, don’t settle for less. Provide yourself with financial support: try yourself in a role or find a temporary job with a flexible schedule. This way, you can calmly search for what you like, without worrying that when you are invited to the next interview, you simply won’t have the money for travel.
There is another workaround - to return to your previous place of work, if your position is still vacant, of course. A method that for many people seems like a disaster. The very thought of returning to something from which you once grew is simply the wildest nightmare. Take a step back. Give up. Lose. Admit your own powerlessness.
But don't forget:
There is nothing more monstrous than what we can inspire ourselves.
John Steinbeck
Most of your colleagues will not even remember in a week that you were absent for some time. The earth turns, life goes on, everyone has their own problems, and if you don’t call yourself a loser, then no one will either.
Whatever strategy you choose, the main thing is to know your worth. Paralyzing fear, and not our inability, is what in most cases is the real cause of our failures. Be brave enough to work not only because “it’s the right way” and “I’m getting paid for this,” but because you really enjoy what you do.
What once helped you or is helping you not to despair when looking for a job?
Anything can happen in life. And sometimes fate throws us one trouble after another. Illnesses, arguments with loved ones, losses, problems at work. It happens that bad events happen in a continuous line, and then a person experiences despair, powerlessness, and disappointment. It begins to seem that life has no meaning, strength is running out.
I am writing this article for those who are in despair, as well as for those who want to help their friends and loved ones if they are in a difficult situation. And I write it in the form of short and, one might say, banal recommendations. These recommendations will help you structure what people think about in the face of problems and troubles. If you, being in a difficult situation, actually follow at least one of these recommendations, then your situation will certainly improve.
____________________
When people contact me, their despair is sometimes expressed in the following words: “I blame myself for not being able to do anything. I’m away from my family now, I don’t know how to distract myself.” I don’t know what to do. I closed myself off and don’t I want to meet anyone. I don’t believe that my life can change at all. I don’t believe that I can... I just want to die so that I don’t hear or see anyone.. I don’t see anyone. thoughts in life... "
As paradoxical as it may seem, I rejoice when I hear such words. This always means that a person wants to move on, that he has looked beyond the shell and found the courage to face his fate. Psychotherapy with those who can no longer tolerate the current circumstances is especially successful.
A person who doesn’t even know yet what exactly he wants, but knows that he is going to change something in his life, always finds the strength to move forward. After a period of despair and other difficult experiences, strength gradually returns, however, it is important to overcome this state, and not to wallow in powerlessness and self-pity.
So what should you do if you are desperate, depressed, or feel like you are on the verge of a breakdown?
1) First of all, it’s banal, but true. This is what works. Acknowledge the situation. Surely, you remember the parable of the three blind wise men, and how they felt the elephant. One thought that the elephant was like a snake, another - like a wall, the third - like a rope, having felt the elephant's tail. When assessing the situation, do not concentrate your attention exclusively on one aspect - only the bad (or only the good). Try to take in everything entirely, with the impartial gaze of an outside observer. And be honest. Don’t reassure yourself that everything is not so bad with Bas. Don’t assume that if you make a cheap compromise with yourself, reassuring yourself with the phrase “it’s been worse,” then something will improve. Quite the contrary. Only by recognizing that the situation is bad can you start looking for resources to improve the situation.
2) Secondly - whine! Allow yourself to be weak. Allow yourself to become sour. The more you try to “control yourself,” the faster your strength will run out. If you qualitatively “release the nurses”, then part of the tension will go away, and part of the strength previously spent on holding back will be restored.
3) Thirdly. Think about it, in the current situation - what or who can serve as your support. Who can you rely on, with whom can you share your problems? Ask for help, look for it! It is possible that there are people in your environment who have encountered exactly the same problem as yours and know a quick and effective solution. If you remain silent and do not look for support in the outside world, then you may not take advantage of a good chance to quickly deal with troubles. Life is unpredictable, and it is impossible to guess from which direction help may come.
4) Part four. Please direct part of the energy to improve your moral state. This can be done through physical activity (for example, walk 7-8 km, ride a bike, run around the stadium). The principle is simple: the more the body is loaded with something pleasant for it, the more consciousness is “unloaded”. If you think about problems constantly, then there is a risk of getting stuck in such thoughts and bringing yourself to the limit.
In that case, if physical activity is impossible (contraindicated or simply lacking strength and willpower), then try to find something that will allow you to recover. There is a game that is a game that is in a boss in a dpydk in the way.
You can try visiting public places - going to the pool (greatly relieves bodily tension, which inevitably arises as a result of the influence of stress factors ov), pay attention to yourself and your appearance.
If you feel that you are unable to cope with yourself, nothing helps you - seek qualified help (psychological or psychotherapeutic)! Mental balance will be restored faster and easier the sooner you start taking care of yourself.
5) And recommendation number five: think about a rational action plan. Think about what kind of people you have. What can you do immediately to improve the situation, and what can you do later. If it’s impossible to do certain things right now, then stop thinking about it and tormenting yourself once again. Write down your action plan on paper, in a notebook, and choose a specific date when you can implement what you have planned.
As they say, “The best thing about depression is that it ends sooner or later.” The same applies to the “black streak” in life. Sooner or later it goes away. When coping with difficulties along the way, we certainly learn something new. We perceive life differently, we begin to have a philosophical attitude towards what would previously have caused painful experiences. It is never possible to understand in advance “why” or “why” something like this happens to us.
However, life is a wise thing, and perhaps in the future we will need the ability to concentrate, the ability to be in an observer position, mental balance, which of course This is ultimately what a person necessarily acquires when going through life’s troubles.
These twelve points were written by Anne Lamott, an American writer, political activist and public figure. Her books, full of self-deprecating humor, are largely autobiographical and explore topics such as alcoholism, life as a single mother, depression and Christianity.
Anne Lamott
I live with my seven-year-old grandson, he sleeps not far from me. Sometimes, just waking up, he exclaims: “You know what? This could be the best day of my life!” But it also happens that in the middle of the night he asks in a trembling voice: “Granny, is it true that you will someday get sick and die?”
In my opinion, this perfectly demonstrates that his inner world is a hodgepodge of joyful anticipation and chilling fears. Just like you and me. So a few days before my 61st birthday, I decided to make the most full list things that cause me neither one nor the other. There is very little that is reliable in the flow of information these days, so it is nice to have at least a few immutable truths in stock.
One of them is that I am no longer 47, although this is exactly the age I feel myself to be and this is the number of years I am used to mentally ascribing to myself. My friend Paul, in his late seventies, often said that he felt like a young man with whom there was simply something wrong. Our true identity is not subject to time and space, but by looking at the documents, I can always be sure that I was born in 1954. Although my inner self does not age and not a single age from which I supposedly emerged has left me. They are all with me.
Right now I'm 20, 30, and 50 - as old as I've ever been. As do you. I will note, however, that I should have been less conscientious about following the skin care rules generally accepted in the 1960s. As you remember, back then people sunbathed frantically, dousing themselves from head to toe in baby oil and placing more foil reflectors around them.
However, when I honestly admitted to myself that the agony of middle age was behind me, a gigantic stone fell from my soul. I decided to immediately write down everything that I considered to be truly true. I often meet depressed and sad people, they never stop asking me questions: what is true and what is false? I dare to hope that my list will be useful for those who are close to despair, and will help them sketch out at least some kind of action plan.
paint by Marten Jansen
1. Any truth is paradoxical
The first and most reliable truth: any truth is paradoxical. Life is a precious, immeasurably beautiful gift and at the same time an unbearable punishment. The worst combination for those with a sensitive soul. There are so many hardships and strange things in this world that sometimes you wonder: is it all a joke? Heartbreaking beauty and kindness, terrible poverty, floods and babies, acne and the music of Mozart are intertwined here. The system is not the most ideal.
2. Reboot rule
Almost any thing will work properly again if you turn it off for a few minutes. And this applies to you too.
3. Search within
Almost everything that can make you happy for a long time can only be found within yourself. Exception: you are on the waiting list for a donor organ. You can't buy or earn peace, you can't invite healthy self-esteem on a date. This is the most disgusting truth, it personally outrages me. But everything important really comes from inner work, and we cannot do it for others, no matter how much we love them.
Someone else's peace of mind is beyond our control. Everyone must find their own path, their own answers to important questions. When your adult child begins his hero's journey, you can't run around with sunscreen and chapstick in hand. You should let him go, at least out of respect. And if it’s about someone else, then most likely you have no idea how to help. Our help is usually useless and often even harmful. Behind the desire to help lies the desire to control. So stop already, stop helping. Let at least someone hide from your virtue.
4. Radical self-acceptance
Each of us is a screwed up, broken, self-satisfied and scared character. Even the one who seems to be fine. You won't believe how similar other people's problems are to yours. So try not to compare your inner feelings with what others show you. This definitely won't do any good.
And one more thing: you cannot save anyone, correct them or force them to quit. What made me quit drinking and drugs 30 years ago? My behavior deteriorated catastrophically, my thoughts became confused and ran away. Then I turned for help and began to rely on higher powers. There is a version that the word “God” stands for “Grace of Desperate Grief” (editor’s note: in the original G-O-D, Gift of Desperation - literally “despair given from above”). But you can put it in a less pompous way: in the end, I degenerated faster than I could lower the demands on myself. So you can say I came to God when there were no more good ideas there are none left.
Trying to fix, protect or save someone is a waste of time. But radical self-acceptance is a quantum that you will begin to emit into the atmosphere, like a breath of fresh air. Believe me, this is the most valuable gift for the universe. And if someone accuses you of arrogance or selfishness, just smile mysteriously, like the Mona Lisa, and prepare a cup of aromatic tea for both of you. To respond with love to the most stupid, short-sighted, capricious and unpleasant manifestations of human nature means to be one family with them. This is the first step towards world peace.
5. Chocolate should be delicious
Chocolate with 75% cocoa content is not suitable for food. The best way to use it - place a piece in a snake trap. Or place it under the leg of a rickety stool.
6. Bird by bird
Every writer you know has terrible first drafts. The secret is that their asses are nevertheless firmly glued to the work chair. This may be the only difference between them and you. They set aside time for this. They make a promise to themselves and keep their word. For them it is a matter of honor. They sit down and let the stories pass through them - step by step, day by day.
When my older brother was in fourth grade, he had a test on bird species that he hadn't even begun to study for. Then his father sat down next to him, grabbing Audubon’s book (John James Audubon - American naturalist, ornithologist and animal artist, author of Birds of America), paper and pencil, and then said: “Take your time, buddy, give me the bird.” for the bird. Just read about the pelican and then tell it in your own words. Then read about the tit and tell me what you learned about it. And then about the geese.”
These are the two most important principles writing: bird by bird and truly terrible drafts. And if you don’t know where to start, remember: every story that ever happened to you belongs only to you, and only you can tell it.
By the way, if people want you to go easy on them in your book, tell them that they should have behaved better. Believe me, it will be terrible if one day you wake up and realize that you have never written down anything that has been kept in the box of your heart all your life - your stories, memories, ideas and songs, your truth, your views on life. At the end of the day, that's all you have to offer others. And this is the reason why you were born.
7. Disruptive success
Book publishing and other creative successes will traumatize you. After them you need to recover. Success has destroyed as many authors as its absence. You cannot even imagine what suffering he will cause you, how he will try to destroy and change you. Personally, I have not met people more vicious and worse than male authors who have released a notable bestseller. And at the same time (back to the first point) publication is simply wonderful: your thoughts are printed on printing paper, your stories are read and told to friends.
Just try, please, to get rid of the illusion that publishing a book will in some sense heal you, patch up the gaps in your soul. Holding a freshly printed work in your hands will not cure your troubles. But you might get there one day if you keep writing. Sing in a choir or play country music. You will work in your free time as a volunteer painter. Watch the birds. Caring for old dogs that have no one else to take care of.
8. Hard work
Family is hard, hard, hard work, even if you have wonderful people as relatives. Again, see point one. If at a family gathering you feel ready to kill yourself or your neighbor, try to remember that the conception and birth of any of us is a true miracle.
Life is a school of forgiveness. You can start learning by first forgiving yourself, and then gradually it will come to the dinner table with your family. There's this important internal work can be done without getting out of your pants. When William Blake wrote that we are all “sent here to have the eye accustomed to the rays of love,” he could not help but know that the intimate part of this experience will be directly connected with your family. Even if the mere sight of your relatives makes you want to rush headlong out of the room, crying out for help, don’t give up, you will succeed. Work like Cinderella and the results will amaze you.
9. Proper nutrition
Food. Try a little better. I think you know what I mean.
10. Lifebuoy
Compassion is the metaphysical equivalent of the penetrating oil that can fill all the cracks, our spiritual lifeline. Its main paradox is that God loves Henry Kissinger, Vladimir Putin and me as much as your newborn grandson. Understand it as you wish. An act of mercy can change us from the inside, heal us, redeem us from the hardships of life. How to describe the principle of its operation in a nutshell? Call for help and buckle up tight. Compassion will catch you on the spot, but with its help you will travel from one point in your life to another. Unfortunately, it won't come in the form of a friendly ghost named Casper, but the phone will ring or a letter will arrive... and suddenly, in spite of everything, a life-giving sense of self-irony will return to you.
Laughter is the carbonated form of holiness: breath by breath it brings us back to life, helping us to believe in the best again. And remember - compassion always has the last word. If it doesn't come, it means it's not the end yet.
11. God is like a cosmic muffin
God is good. He's not that scary. It is simply a loving mind that can breathe life into us. Or, as the author of the wonderful “Deteriorata” put it, a “cosmic muffin” altogether. In my opinion, the most appropriate definition of God for everyday life is “not me.”
Emerson wrote that the happiest man in the world - the one who learns from nature the art of public service. Walk more often, look around. I once heard from my pastor that you can catch a bee in glass jar without even closing the lid. The bees simply do not look up, but continue to crawl back and forth and sadly beat on the glass. So go outside. Look up. That's the whole secret for you.
12. The way home
And finally, death. Number twelve. Both delight and horror. When people you can't live without die, it's unbearable. You will never recover from these losses, and despite our cultural attitudes, you shouldn't. We Christians look at death as a global change of address. But no matter what religion you belong to, your loved ones will live in your hearts, unless you yourself oppose it. As Leonard Cohen said: “There are cracks in everything. This is how light gets in.” This is how light penetrates us. And so we can feel that our loved ones are regaining life.
Other people have enormous power over us. Sometimes they make us burst out laughing at the most inopportune moments. And that's great. But their loss can still become a lifelong nightmare in which you endlessly miss home and can’t get there. Living through grief, friends, time and tears will heal your wound to one degree or another. Tears will be the moisture that will wash you, bless you and nourish the soil under your feet.
Do you know what the Lord's first words to Moses were? He said, “Take off your sandals from off your feet.” Because this is holy land, although everything indicates otherwise. It’s hard to believe, but this is the truest truth I know: our planet is the Promised Land. When you get a little older (like yours truly), you will realize that death is as sacred a gift as birth. However, you shouldn't worry too much about her. Mind your own business. Almost every death is a quiet, calm event in the circle of relatives. You don't have to do it alone. Close people will help you gently move to where everyone will one day be. As Ram Dass wrote: “When all that needs to be done is said and done, we simply walk each other home.”
You can also watch a video of this lecture in English: